Gorilla's On a Skid, Must Right Themselves

A two game losing streak for my Gorilla's have caused me much pain, and anxiety. I've been called on the carpet by PopPop himself, and was told in no uncertain terms that George's Gorilla's better win this week, or there may be some changes. Oh boy, I don't need the stress, because you all know what happens to me when I become overly stressed.

Coach Whitey has been going nuts these last two weeks, and he has worked this team hard. "We're having some problems right now with the lack of points our running backs are getting us, but perhaps this week we'll get it right," Coach Whitey said. He continued, "We've had running back problems from the very first game. That's been our weakest point so far, but hopefully we have corrected that problem for this week. We'll see what happens."

I, Harvey, can tell you these last two weeks have been horrible. Losing to the Redskin's, and to Greer's Booty Shaker's have really shook me up. My complaints to the commissioner's office have gotten me no where. He just laughed at me, and said these very words, and I quote, "Harvey, put your big girl panties on, and deal with it!"

Coach Whitey, and the team went ballistic when they found out that I cried foul when we played the Redskin's. Those Gorilla's got all bent out of shape at me. When I went to the practice field to discuss another matter with Coach Whitey, him, and the entire team approached me. When they surrounded me, I knew they were a group of highly agitated gorilla's. You don't stop a group of highly agitated gorilla's by smiling at them.

I said, "What's up guys?" One of the gorilla's said, You're up, Harvey," and with that he took my glasses off, laid them on the bench, and punted me high up into the air. I landed 55 yards down field on my head. As I was flying through the air I was trying my hardest to defy gravity, but knew all the time I was going to come down, and this was going to leave a mark, and down I came. I blacked out for a second, and when I came to they were standing over me doing the "Gorilla Shuffle." They were high fiving each other, and dancing. No one was concerned for my well being. They were just celebrating. Coach Whitey never said a word. He just stood there with that look of distain on his face.

The gorilla's lifted me up, walked to the goal post, and hung me on the crossbar upside down. They tied my arms to the post with long ropes, and my feet were tied to the crossbar. Have you ever looked at a group of highly agitated gorilla's while you were hanging upside down from the crossbar? No, I guess you never have.

I was informed that I was never to complain to the commissioner again. The gorilla's were capable of taking care of themselves, and if they got beat up in a game, they would deal with it. No matter how they get beat, no matter what weapons the other team uses, or what is said about them, they would take care of it themselves. With that they taped a sign on me that read, "Harvey is a sissy."

The team left me hang there for hours with that sign on me. The worse part of it all was when Whitey called that Fluffy Dog Girl, and Ms Ernestine. It wasn't long before they showed up to see what the team had done to me. Of all the creatures, and people in this world to see me like this, it had to be those two. One of them, I don't remember which one, said, "Hi Harvey. You hanging out with the team today?" I think that Fluufy Dog Girl said, "Oh look! I think we are embarrassing Harvey, his face is all red." With that they walked away chuckling, and whispering to each other.

I can only imagine what they will be writing in their columns about this episode. This was not one of my better days. I had been punted through the air, landed 55 yards down field on my face, hung upside down on the crossbar, had a signed taped to me, and was humiliated by a dog, and a pig, and God only knows what they are going to write about me. I would say I had a very bad day. Is there any sympathy out there for me? Does anyone understand what I go through? I sure hope the Gorilla's win this week!