My Golf Game

Have I ever mentioned that I play golf? Perhaps I should say that I attempt to play golf. My golf game is a real pity, but for years now I just keep hammering away at it. In fact, I'm worse now than when I started years ago.  

I never go to a driving range, never putz around in the back yard, and don't even watch the Golf Channel anymore, so is it any wonder that my game is in the pits. When it comes time to go golfing I just throw my clubs in the car or truck, and proceed to the golf course. After a few practice swings at the first tee box I'm ready to go. When I get ready to tee off  I realize I already made two mistakes, and they are: 1. I came to the golf course, and 2. I'm on the teebox.  Up until that moment I look and feel like a real golfer.

I have my nice bag filled with clubs, I have my Nike golf shoes on, sometimes I have my Golf  hat on, sometimes not. My tees are in my pocket, and I have plenty of balls. Just being on the first teebox should tell you I have plenty of those!!!  Nonetheless, things usually start going south after that first swing.

Now, please understand, I don't play the swanky, uppercrust, super-duper, I'm a somebody golf courses. We have plenty courses around here for guys and girls just like me, although I hope you're game is somewhat better than mine. I have some standard, not hard to learn rules I play by, and I'll list a few of them..

Always get a cart, and play on courses you can ride to wherever your ball goes. Never, ever play on a course where you have to stay on the cart path. You'll end up playing "military golf" if you have to park your cart and walk to the ball. That's left, right, left, right stuff. You do want to be home by dark, don't you?

 If you hit a bad shot off the tee, don't get discouraged. Take another ball out of your pocket, and throw it toward the green. Trust me, the one you throw will have gone further than the one you hit with your club. Stop on your way to the ball you threw, and pick up the one you hit with your club. It works everytime.

Now, this is very important so please learn this one. If there are water hazards on the hole just throw three balls into the water, and move on. This saves you a lot of time, and keeps your game moving right along.

Don't get mad, don't get mad, don't get mad! It's not the club's fault that the shot went bad. Please don't beat your clubs into the ground, or hit a tree with them, and definitely don't throw your club through the air. You'll probably find that your club went further than the ball, and that will make you even madder.  You may after you check out your surroundings, use strong words to vent your frustrations, but always direct those strong words toward yourself, not the club's or the golf course. Remember, you are the one that put yourself in this position to start with, so you are the blame, and nothing, or no one else is to blame!

Always, I mean always use your "footwedge". You never have to take it out of the bag, because it's always with you. It works great for moving the ball anywhere you want. Like when your ball is sitting down in one of those depressions in the rough, which is where I usually end up. With your footwedge you can coax your ball to wherever you need it to be. Besides, you can use either your right or left "footwedge" to accomplish your goal.

Please do not, I repeat, do not enter a best ball tournament. If you play like I do your ball will never be the best ball. The best thing to do, is to go, and drink beer, and eat hot dogs. It doesn't get any better than that! 

Every now and then I make a great shot! They are far and few between, but sometimes the "Golf God's" smile on me. If , and when that happens don't get to excited, and think you're getting good. The "Golf God's" are allowing this to happen every so often so you'll be encouraged, and you will continue to come back to make a fool out of yourself. They get a big kick out that! 

Every now and then, after you tee off on a par 3 hole, throw your arm in the air, and give a big shout, something like "yea baby"! With that arm high up, the big shout, and an even bigger smile on your face, other golfers will think you just made an awesome shot. Do this even if you hit a "worm burner" 10 feet from the teebox. Make sure you walk quickly to the green so as to lay your ball down very close to the hole, or just reach in the cup with ball already in hand. Upon doing this give another shout, arm raised, and a big smile. Even a little dance is in order. Caution: make sure the other golfers are far enough away that you can pull this off smoothly.  

Last, but not least! Always carry the score card with the pencil. The person with the pencil, and scorecard always has the advantage. You are the one in charge, the leader of the group, the organizer, the proficient one. Everyone reports to you, because you have the scorecard and the pencil, and with this I close. Always have 2, I repeat, 2 scorecards. One for the game itself, and one to doctor up after you get home. The one you fix up at home is for family members, neighbors, and co-workers to see, but remember, never play golf with these people lest they figure you out!!!

This has been from my heart. The dark, deep recesses of my heart, the mischievious section of my heart, the part of my heart where I yearn to master this game of golf, but know I cannot. This is much more fun than being so serious about a "game".

Well, if you're going out to play this weekend, remember what was written, and apply these principles to your game. Have fun, don't drink and drive, and remember the extra scorecard. You'll be glad you did!

Thanks for stopping by "The Espenblog Times". This is a place where fantasy, and reality are intertwined. I hope you can figure it out, because I sure can't!